defining an undefined relationship

Dear Diary,

Dating sometimes sucks, well actually a large majority of the time. I know it sucks for men but I think it may be worse for women. Women seem to overthink things. We need to define what things are. It’s an extra level of security to know exactly where you stand. Because face it, men don’t always communicate exactly what they feel. Women don’t cause we are scared to say too much. Men don’t because they don’t usually have much they want to say. So, dating sucks.

Now there are plenty of times that dating is incredible. When you get all excited to see your phone light up with their name from a text. When something happens during your day and your first thought is how you cannot wait to tell them. It’s nice feeling like you have someone who you’re excited about and it’s mutual. Now where dating can suck is that it’s not always mutual. They may like you but too much or not enough compared to how you feel.

Then there’s vagueness. Not knowing if you’re friends with benefits, exclusive, a couple, in a relationship, etc. Like right now I’m in an exclusive relationship but we aren’t a couple. Seriously?! I honestly don’t know what the difference is but for him being a couple was too much. So we are an exclusive “thing.” We are exclusively “seeing each other” and “dating” but he’s not my boyfriend.

Everyone has such different expectations for each of those terms that no one knows exactly what each thing means. Now you could be thinking, “that’s why you should sit down and have a conversation about what each of you want.” Well dating is still particularly a game (like it or not). Part of the fun (especially at the beginning) is the game. Plus you don’t want to reveal all your cards and show exactly how you feel. What if they don’t feel the same? Now you’ve doomed the relationship by pointing out that the feelings aren’t mutual. Maybe it would’ve been better to say nothing at all.

So this is where I stand. I’m in this constant “not knowing” and part of me just wants to turn it off. To just enjoy it for what it is and stop being a woman. Overthinking the living shit out of it.

A label shouldn’t matter right? It should be how he makes me feel…right? Well that’s when my brain decides to remind me that it might not be mutual. That I’m feeling all these butterflies and getting all excited when that’s not the way it is for him. Does it need to be mutual? Well if it gets serious, obviously that’s important. But what about something that’s casual? Well serious things always start out casual.

For right now I’m going to just see where it goes. Yes part of me is going crazy not knowing but I also know he isn’t the type to open up so maybe I just have to be patient. His inability to text consistently doesn’t help either (but I’ll talk about that another time. This rant is already pretty long).

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