the text that changes everything

Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you.

Dear Diary,

So this may sound really dorky but my family (brother, mom, and dad) are some of my best friends. Well were…

I just found out Saturday that my dad has had an affair since January. Not only did I find out, I found the texts. The explicit and sexually texts to the other woman. It makes me sick thinking about it.

My parents have been married for over 20 something years. My mom was devastated when I showed her.

Now I can’t even look at my dad. I’m so upset with him. Disappointed. Disgusted. I think he’s having a mid life crisis. He’s bought a fancy sports car, became hugely involved in working out and becoming in the best shape he’s been in since his twenties (the testosterone increase probably hasn’t helped either), and apparently get hits on all the time. He wants my mom to be intimate with him all the time and be like his “girlfriend.” Well they are both in their 50’s, that’s probably not realistic.

We were just talking tonight (as a family) and he was talking about how much he’s been hurting since he knows how disappointed I am in him. There’s three levels to my disappointment.

  1. I’ve been cheated on before. So I can empathize with my mom. Her whole world feel apart Saturday morning. What she thought was a great marriage wasn’t. I’m mad at him for hurting my mom like this.
  2. I put so much of my identity in having the perfect family. Obviously we weren’t perfect but we were close. Guess not. We went from the family that hangs out all the time and talks about the future to one that doesn’t even know if my parents will stay together. What happens to the house? What happens to the pets? To holidays? Etc.
  3. He’s my dad. Yes I’m a grown woman but part of me looked up to my dad for my future spouse. I would talk about how I want a marriage like my parents. I wanted a man like my dad. Guess not.

This hurts me to my core. What makes things worse is that I used to talk to him every morning on my way to class. We’d talk about what’s going on in our lives. Mostly we’d talk about business, school, friends, etc. Now I can’t even look at him. I can’t imagine talking to him like that again. And that hurts. That hurts so much, this realization, that the thought brings me to tears.

Our friendship is based off of mutual respect and trust. The way he’s treating my mom is losing my respect for him.

I wish none of this happened. I wish I could go back to the way things were. To the world that didn’t have a father that cheated. To a mom that wasn’t on the verge of tears all the time. To the close friendship that I once had with my father. To the family that was my rock. That I could go to in my times of need. That I could have my father to hug when I’m crying.

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