tired of being strong

“You make yourself strong because it’s expected of you. You become confident because someone besides you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.”- Jodi Picoult

Dear Diary,

So I’m an extrovert. Like an extreme extrovert. I hate being alone. I need to be around people either physically or via text. My mom has needed me a lot this week (read my last post about “the text that changes everything” to be clued in) so I’ve put my emotions aside for the most part.

I semi broke things off with the guy I was seeing. He basically said that he felt like he needed to be in a boyfriend role this week to console me and that that made him feel uncomfortable. He also said that he thought that I liked him more romantically than I liked him. So I decided to be no longer exclusive with him. I’m not sure if I want to see him anymore at all. Sucks that the week I could use a friend he wants to be arms distance…great.

So I’m not sure how I’m feeling. I’ve cried a lot this week. Tried to laugh some with my mom. Heard some pretty crappy news from my boyfriend-thingy. So emotionally I’m pretty worn out. I’ve needed to be there for my mom. Strong for her. So now I’m sitting in my apartment by myself and no longer needing to be strong for anything. I keep waiting to feel something. Anger at my dad, sadness, shock, happiness. Well I don’t know exactly what I was expecting but I was kind of expecting something. And there’s nothing.

To be honest, I’m just kind of tired. Tired on multiple levels. Tired physically (I’ll probably go to sleep soon). Tired of feeling. Tired of drama. Tired of dating (it’s so exhausting to be in the dating game again). The inner core of me is just tired. Well tired and a little lonely and sad.

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