friend to all, best friend to none

“The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. The kindest hearts have felt the most pain.”

Dear Diary,

Ever since I was a young girl, I’ve been self conscious about my weight. My dad would tell me that if only I was skinner, I’d have more friends, be more popular, more guys would like me, I could get better quality guys, I’d have more professional opportunities, etc. People like pretty people better right?

Well these messages has had a harmful effect on my relationships with others. I’m too self conscious to go to any sort of college party (I’m not fat but I’m probably like 10-15 lbs overweight). I’m the type of girl who has friends in class but I don’t really hang out with people outside of class. I’m a friend to many and a best friend to none. It’s hard emotionally to not have anyone. And with all the family stuff going on, you really realize how much you need someone. And I don’t have anyone.

I also put up with guys treating me like shit when I should have the self respect to walk away. But when a cute guy talks to me and likes me, I’m just so grateful that someone likes me that I put up with things I shouldn’t.

Currently I’m in this weird thing with one guy and I’ve started talking to my ex boyfriend. The FWB thing with the first is frustrating. He’s too much to text me much. He doesn’t believe in being romantic or giving any sort of affirmations verbally. So he’ll ask me about whether I like him, how I feel about him, etc. but he won’t express anything back. I feel like I’m playing a card game where I’m showing all my cards and he doesn’t show any.

My ex is kind of an ass. I’m not sure I’ve had any sort of healthy relationship in my life, and I’ve had plenty of relationships. I’m also the type to rarely be single for long so I’ve dated many men. He and I saw each other on Saturday. We hooked up. Now he’s talking about how he has feelings but that he just wants to be friends. Which to be honest, it’s probably healthier but I still miss him. I miss being in that sort of stable, committed relationship. And with him it’d be so easy to just start that again.

I’m trying to focus on making friends. Like this week I’ve hung out with 2 friends outside of class briefly. I’m trying. It’s not easy though. And I’m also trying not to rely on a man to get validation that I have worth. I need to focus on some self love for a while because I could even imagine loving someone else. I’m just so codependent. /:

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